29 July 2014

Don't Go Near the Park (1981)
80 min.
Directed by Lawrence Foldes.
With Aldo Ray, Meeno Peluce, Tamara Taylor, Linnea Quigley, Barbara Monker, Crackers Phinn, Chris Riley.
About as interesting as trying to watch photosynthesis occur in a eucalyptus plant, this 1981 sci-fi horror is one certifiable bomb.

Here's the 'plot': 12,000 years in the past, a brother and sister are blessed with eternal life, but condemned to age into hideous, withered crones with the coming of each new year.

The only way they can halt their impending hagness is if they feast off the flesh of young, nubile kiddies.

So, these two wannabes from The Hunger take to a local recreational park and pick off unsuspecting orphans, loners and the like.

But when teenage runaways Bondi (Taylor) and pint-sized Nick (Peluce) team up, they aim to stop the evil centuries-old vampires in their tracks.

Also known as Sanctuary for Evil, this low budget yawner is poorly acted, clumsily paced and consistently handicapped by its disjointed plot mechanics.

Whimsical when it shouldn't be, awkwardly serious when it hasn't earned the right, think Escape to Witch Mountain spiked with a few uninspired zombie munchings, and you'll get the gist.

Terrible.

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